[Most of this is true ...]
He walks in. “Hand it over.” Plops down on the couch. Starts the movie.
“Why do I always have to give you the Remote?”
“You don’t.”
“But I do.”
“Well, I like having it. I don’t want to have to tell you to Turn It Down or Turn It Up or Pause ….”
“Well, I always have to ask you to do those things. Why do you always get the Remote? Why can’t I just keep it, if I already have it?”
“I can’t believe we’re arguing about the Remote. Somebody has to be in charge of it.”
“Yes. But that doesn’t mean it’s a lifetime commitment. It’s just the Clicker. What I want to know is, why – for eight years now – I am always expected to defer to you on the Remote? Why do you always walk in and say ‘Hand it over’ and expect me to just give it to you? I mean, you don’t even ask. You demand.”
“Why do you always expect me to take out the garbage? Why do I always clean out the cat box?”
“When we first moved in together, you said you’d take out the garbage. And you have to do the cat box because you insisted on changing the litter to that stuff I can’t just scoop out. You have to be able to lift the whole thing up and I can’t. And you know it. You said you’d do the cat boxes because you changed the litter to that stuff.”
“So I said something eight years ago & that’s what you hold me to forever?”
“What does that even have to do with what I’m asking?”
“Well, you have an expectation.”
“No. I have a husband who said he didn’t like the idea of his wife hauling garbage. A husband who is very chivalrous – at least, about the garbage. Which is nice. But that’s got fuck all to do with the Remote.”
“Why are you being so bitchy about this?”
“I’m not! I ask a question about a pattern of behavior that’s developed over a long period of time, and that’s bitchy? Why are you changing the subject? You’re bypassing my point completely. Just answer the question. Why am I always supposed to hand over the Remote to you just because you’re here and you want it?”
“Somebody has to be in charge of it.”
“Yeah, yeah. Why always you? And why is it ‘Gimme the Remote’ instead of ‘May I have the Remote’? I guess I’m just talking about courtesy.”
“I do so many things around here just to make you happy! I clean up, I take out the garbage, I water the garden, I’ve worked so hard on this house. Jesus! If the Remote’s that important to you, you can have it! Take it! I’ll never touch it again for as long as I live. I can’t believe you’re yelling at me about the Remote!”
“I’m not yelling at you! And the Remote’s not that important! It’s the idea that I can never keep the damned thing if you’re in the room that bugs me. You always have to be in control of it. Even if I’m already using it.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. You really think I’m a chauvinist pig?”
“No! I don’t! Why are you twisting my words around? I don’t think you’re a chauvinist. I don’t think you’re an ass. I don’t think any such thing! I just wanna know why you just expect me to hand the flippin’ thing over without so much as a word. Good grief! Why can’t you just answer that?”
“I have! I always have to keep the volume adjusted & to mute the commercials. You’re kinda slow to do those things. I just like to do it quickly – when the volume or whatever bothers me.”
“But why can’t you ever ask? You just demand it – whenever you come in to join me, even if I’m already watching something, you demand the Remote.”
“Oh, I do not!”
“Do too. I swear to God, Honey, for eight years now, every time you come in here & you plan to watch TV, you insist on having the damned Remote even if I’m already using it. I’m not just saying that to be dramatic. Do you have any idea how annoying it is when you lay there & hold out your hand for it? And then you snap your fingers until I give in? Sheesh.”
“You really think I’m an asshole, don’t you?”
“Aaarrrggghhh!!!”
